


The tormented mind.

by Ohgingersnap



Series: S&M ( Sam and morals) [5]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Abuse, Alternate Universe - BDSM, Alternate Universe- No Supernatural, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, BDSM Switch Gabriel (Supernatural), Bad BDSM Etiquette, Child Abuse, Dark, Depression, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Eventual Gabriel/Sam Winchester, Flashbacks, Flirting, Fluff and Angst, Gabriel Has a Crush on Sam Winchester, Gabriel and Sam Winchester in Love, Heavy Angst, Hurt Sam Winchester, Ice Cream Parlors, Implied/Referenced Cheating, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Torture, M/M, Masochist Sam Winchester, Memory Loss, Mental Breakdown, Mental Instability, Metaphors, Mind Manipulation, Non-Consensual Touching, Non-Linear Narrative, POV Sam Winchester, Parental Bobby Singer, Past Abuse, Physical Abuse, Possessive Lucifer, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Protective Gabriel, Sam Winchester is Not Okay, Sexual Abuse, Some Humor, Suicide Attempt, Threats of Violence, Time Skips, Top Gabriel/Bottom Sam Winchester, Top Lucifer (Supernatural), Unhealthy Relationships, Worried Bobby Singer
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-28
Updated: 2020-06-28
Packaged: 2021-03-04 06:14:51
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,840
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24958978
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ohgingersnap/pseuds/Ohgingersnap
Summary: I sat on the edge of my bed, my head in my hands as my shoulders shook with the urge, the utter need to cry, to release all the emotions withheld inside of me. But I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to cry, again. I just wanted to feel okay.------------------------------------“No, hey, I definitely do know you from somewhere, Just something about that build, the height, all the plaid… AHA!”I was yanked out of my thoughts by a tight grip to my left shoulder, I was spun around to face a familiar pair of whiskey colored eyes.“You’re that guy who helped my drunk ass out a few days ago!”------------------------“I STALKED YOu? Ha! I’m sorry Baby, but you have no right to turn this around on me, not with you fucking cheating behind my BACK.”------------------A sudden and sharp snap caused my head to fly back and cheek to be inflamed by a stinging sensation.-----------A glass shard? Why do I have glass in my hand?----------"That's it, you're ok Sam. It's just me, it's just Bobby. You're safe."
Relationships: Bobby Singer & Sam Winchester, Gabriel/Sam Winchester, Lucifer/Sam Winchester
Series: S&M ( Sam and morals) [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1672324
Kudos: 23





	The tormented mind.

**Author's Note:**

> OK SO, this is a very intense section and honestly every section from this point forward will be very similar to this one.
> 
> Please read the tags and heed the warning! As you can tell by now, I do not shy away from depression, ptsd, angst or violence in general. I try to keep things as realistic as I can, so please if you get triggered easily do NOT read this. 
> 
> This section just like the others is a non-linear fashion, if you ever get confused feel free to comment and I will try my best to explain <3
> 
> As always all mistakes are my own and if this one has more well..blame Mercury.
> 
> I forgot to add this earlier but Bobby has PTSD in this version (because of his family history) so that should help with how he handles things. That's all!

_Previously-_

_"Sam. Sammy. Darling." The words sent a rush of want through me as I struggled with biology to keep my head above murky water._

_"Because it has to be you. It was always you."_

“Sadly I think your time here is cut short Samuel . I think it would be best for everyone involved if you were to walk out the door and leave right now. In fact.” 

**Who knows maybe this meeting was meant to happen and that this little man had some kind of cosmic like level effect on my life from here on out.**

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


_Now-_

_October 5th_

  
  


I sat on the edge of my bed, my head in my hands as my shoulders shook with the urge, the utter need to cry, to release all the emotions withheld inside of me. But I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to cry, _again._ I just wanted to feel okay. I huffed in annoyance, the sound more like a grunt as I took the greasy strands of hair in my hands and gave the ends a harsh tug.

**I just want to feel ok.**

_August 7th_

_“ Damn’t Sam! I have tried calling you over a hundred fucking times! What, did you suddenly forget how to operate your phone? Did your giant moose hands forget how to pick up THE FUCKING PHONE?!”_

_“Lucifer I-”_

_“NO! Uh eh! See, this is the part where you zip IT! I speak and you fucking listen ok?”_

_I sigh silently, the sound mostly coming out as air releasing from my nose._

_“Good. So first and foremost, what the fuck happend? What did you say to Crowley? All my fucking rights have been revocked from the CLUB, yeah i’m looking at you Buddy, huh. How about you go tell Mr.Crawley to kiss my FUCKING ASS, huh. Yeah, that’s what I thought Pal, you better fucking run. So what did ya say Sammy hmm? What did you say to Mr.Crowley that got him all hot and bothered all of a sudden?”_

_“Your Name.”_

_“I’m sorry?”_

_I gulped down a lungful of air, “Your name, all- all I said was your name, Sir.”_

_It went deadly quiet on the other side of the line, causing me to begin to worry._

_“L-Lucifer?”_

_“DID I FUCKING SAY YOU COULD SPEAK YET!? Huh? What fucking part of me being silent means, yeah ok Sam go ahead and speak, NO. YOU- you don’t fucking get to say anything! In fact- yeah, you know what I think it would be best if we took a little break you and I Sam-my.”_

_And before I could even protest the line went dead._

  
  


Tears were threatening to blur my vision as the air trapped in my lungs threatened to leak out of the sacks and puncture the hard warped bone surrounding it. I wanted to cry, I wanted to die. I wanted all the damn pain and confusion to stop hurting me for one second.

But the heavy sound of Bobby's footfall and the loud bass of shitty speakers blaring some old cheesy rom-con gave me pause. 

**No. No I could get through this, I could. It might just take some time. But I could get through it. Just like Dean did. Yeah, I just gotta be more like Dean.**

  
  


_August 10th_

_I look up at the large glowing letters with disdain. I can’t believe I am actually going to try to patch things up with Crowley, with Lucifer. I gnawed on the inside of my bottom lip as it was my turn to step up to the bouncer at the door, and let him decide my fate._

_The bouncer, an older male with eyes that looked more like black filled pools, took one glance at the I.D I handed him and smirked, the shadow of a beard stretched up into one side as slightly crooked teeth became visible._

_“Have a death wish do we Samuel?”_

_I looked from the man's bony hand and back up to the mirth barely hidden beneath his dark eyes, “Um?” I was uncertain on how to answer but it seems I didn’t have to._

_“I’m sorry Sam, but I can not let you in, King's orders.”_

_“Do the knights of the court have any sway when the king isn't looking?”_

_The older male let out a bark of a laugh as he shook his head like he heard a genuinely good joke. “Oh no Sam, I am not a knight, and even if I were, I happen to want to be on good standing terms with Mr. Crowley.”_

_“Dammit” I muttered. “ And you don’t know any knights who are willing to bend the rules just enough to get me ten minutes with the King?”_

_Another chuckle. “Oh dear Boy, no. There is no one inside the castle who will be willing to throw themselves under the bus for anyone, and a Winchester nonetheless.”_

_My jaw ticked._

_“I am sorry Sam. It might be better to give Mr. Crowley some time to cool off before you show up again.” and with that he handed me back my I.D and moved onto the next waiting body._

_“Fuck.” I moved out of line and toward the end of the row of people when I heard someone yell, “Wha- HEY! Don’t I know you from somewhere?”_

_“Nah, probably not, but don’t worry I get that a lot.” I said in response without even bothering to turn around and look behind me at the voice, too busy trying to think of a back up plan._

_If Lucifer finds out I failed…_

_“No, hey, I definitely do know you from somewhere, Just something about that build, the height, all the plaid… AHA!”_

_I was yanked out of my thoughts by a tight grip to my left shoulder, I was spun around to face a familiar pair of whiskey colored eyes._

_“You’re that guy who helped my drunk ass out a few days ago!”_

_“And you’re that annoying drunk that I had to babysit until your brother could pick you up.”_

_The smaller one smiled at the returned banter, “Yeah, though sadly it wasn’t the brother I called. I wanted Clarence and instead got water boy.”_

_I raised an eyebrow in question but he just brushed me off, “Doesn't matter. Anyway what are you doing leaving? It’s only midnight.”_

_I sighed as I realised the small man before me wasn’t going to just let me leave without a million questions first._

_“They won’t let me in.” The tilt of a head made me continue, “ I pissed the King off and now I am no longer let into the royal majesties court.”_

_The smaller laughed at my awful use of a british accent. “Well, that just won’t do, will it? Hey, come with me, I know just the place that will take in a couple of refugees.”_

_The copper haired man turned on his heel and started to make his way out of the line and down the sidewalk, before my legs caught up with my brian and allowed me to move after him._

_“Hey! Wait up!”_

_I took a few quick strides and I was already by the smallers side, who huffed and rolled his eyes. “Must be nice, having such tall fucking legs.”_

_A smile twitched at the corner of my mouth, as we walked in unison down the lamp lit sidewalk._

_“You know.” I cleared the nerves out of my throat. “My Dad always told me to never go anywhere with a stranger.”_

_The other snorted in amusement. “Oh yeah.”_

_“Yeah.”_

_He shot me a quick glance before stopping right in front of me hand outstretched._

_“I’m Gabriel.”_

_I grabbed the others hand and gave it a quick shake. “Sam.”_

_“Now, see? We arn’t strangers anymore Sam.”_

  
  


And it seems I have lost the; cleary one sided and overpowered battle against my tears as they lashed out in protest for being withheld for so long, the watery beads streamed down my face one after the other, after the other, like troops to the front lines, dashing after each other and down my face to the battle on the other side of my jawline.

My body trembled with the effort to hold itself upright, so Instead of fighting it I let my body fall off the edge of my twin bed and down onto the carpeted flooring, knees thudding so hard against the material that the Tv down stairs stopped playing, but at this point any sound made in the house felt hours,miles,lightyears away from me as even the simplest task; such as breathing, was becoming **too much.**

  
  


_September 15th_

_“What is this? Like the tenth time we have gone out to get ice cream together? And you still haven’t taken me back to your place yet?”_

_A startled laugh fell from my lips as well as a chunk of moose track ice cream; Gab found it funny and ironic._

_“Ah- haha.” I wipe away the chocolate from my face as I speak, “ That’s not really my area of expertise Gab, usually people are the ones trying to take me home.”_

_Though what kind of people, I didn’t want to mention nor think about at the moment._

_“Oh yeah?” I shoved a large bite of ice cream in my mouth in hopes of avoiding a reply. Gabriel just leans closer to my frame across the small glass table. “Is that what you need then Sam? Hmm? Someone to lead the way? Someone to take YOU home?”_

_I hide the flush of my cheeks with my checkered sleeve. “And besides I have a really grumpy old roommate, so.”_

_Avoiding uncomfortable questions with humor is something that I excel at._

_We both laughed, Gabriel seemed not to care about the sudden change of topic, and I was reminded yet again how different he was than Lucifer._

_“So is that your way of trying to tell me that you still live with your dad?”_

_I shake my head quickly, shivering at the thought, thankfully my reaction could just be chopped up to the cold of the ice cream against my teeth._

_“No uh, uncle actually.”_

_“Hot.”_

_We both laughed so hard that by the time we were done our ice creams were basically melted._

_“So, Moose.”_

_“Hm.”_

_“If I were, say, invite you over to my place.”_

_My face burned red as the others' got impossibly close to my own._

_I hummed again, heart hammering too fast up my throat for me to even utter a response._

_A tan hand traced over the small buttons on my sleeve, “ What would you say to that?” I shifted in my seat to move closer to the smaller man in front of me. The implication of his words are very clear and very obviously affecting us both._

_“I would say…” I gently took his hand into my own, curious of his reaction as well as my own to the soft contact. My mind buzzed with the idea of lying with someone so different from me, the idea of us together was so taboo...it made my heart stutter. “Yes.”_

  
  


The pain. **The ache,** in my chest where my heart supposedly was, is earth shattering and mind numbing, all my thoughts swirled together, all my emotions muddled into one and all of my memories meshed into one giant heap, of **pain.**

If I listened very closely I could hear the roar of Bobby’s yells and heavy footfall across old creaky floors.

But none of that mattered. 

**None of that mattered.**

Somehow my body moved without my permission until I was seated in front of the mirror, staring back at a warped version of myself as the tunnel and clouds over my vision got more narrow, the pounding in my ears only furthering my lost sense of time and self.

**Pathetic.**

**Nerd.**

**Weirdo.**

**Oh, Sammy, Sam, you poor thing.**

Suddenly it wasn’t my face in the mirror anymore but Lucifer's own, sneering back at me, smiling with sharp teeth and condescending eyes. My fist found the mirror causing the twisted reflection to shatter and sharp shards to fall and scatter all around my now bleeding frame.

One hit. After another and another and another.

**The footsteps only grew louder** _._

  
  


_September 16th_

_“YOU FUCKING CHEATED ON ME!”_

_I jolted back in utter shock at the voice from the other line, one because the owner hasn't spoken to me in weeks and two because there was no way the other man should even know that._

_“You’ve been stalking me.” My heart leaped into my throat as I realised that this wasn't Gab and that I couldn't just talk to him like that. Thankfully for my ass the older man didn’t care at the moment._

_“I STALKED YOu? Ha! I’m sorry Baby, but you have no right to turn this around on me, not with you fucking cheating behind my BACK.”_

_“It wasn’t cheating. You left me.”_

_It turned silent for a second before the other spoke again, “That doesn't matter now Sammy, I'm back. I’m taking you back now. You’re MIne. I’m taking back what is rightfully mine.”_

_“No.” the word was a whisper but I might as well have shouted it._

_“Excuse me?” The pure anger radiating from the other was enough to make me feel nauseous, hands shaking as I waited for him to just leap through the phone and strangle me right then and there._

_“Did you just say NO to me Samuel?”_

_I didn’t speak, I couldn’t._

_“You WILL come back to me Sammy baby, you and I will be together again and we will go back to be the happy little couple we were before you decided to screw everything up.”_

_My pulse thudded harshly and I feared that I was going to pass out, the room around me pulsed in and out of view as I swayed on my feet._

_“No. Please.”_

_The loud laugh was enough to knock me on my ass, as the other cackled at my clear displeasure at the idea._

_“Aw, thats cute Sammy. Are you begging me already? Oh, honey I haven't even done anything yet.”_

_“Don’t. Do-” I placed my head on my knees as the pressure in my chest threatened to split me in two._

_“Is this because of that little switch Sammy? Hmmm. Oh, baby you know he can’t fuck you like I can. That he can’t get you to the edge of release like I can, Can’t hurt you like I can. He can’t treat you right Sammy, he doesn't have the right parts.”_

_In and out._

_In and out._

_In and out._

_I tried to control my breathing as the devil on the other end of the line continued to threaten me._

_“He could never love you Like I do Sammy.”_

_In and out, in and out._

_“And you do?”_

_The words were choked out and disoriented as I tried to decipher right from wrong._

_“That’s right Sammy. That’s right baby, I_ **_love_ ** _you, and he never could baby. He never could love you like I do. Like I_ **_always_ ** _will.”_

  
  


There was a loud repetitive banging sound coming from directly behind my head.

**Why was there a banging?**

“SAM! SAM! YOU HEAR ME? WHAT IS DEVIL IS GOIN ON IN THERE?! ARE YOU OK? SAM? SAM!”

More rattling, before the banging continues at an unpleasant pace causing my head to throb.

**The door was locked.**

When Did I lock the door? When did I even move to the door?

Everything blurred, and nothing made since. I felt so confused on where I was and what was real.

A crash brought me back out of my scrambled brain, I hissed loudly at the resounding pain that spread up my backside and in between my shoulder blades. My hiss caused the man behind the door to startle, cursing softly to himself. The once shouting and intrusive voice was now a light and soft murmur.

“Sam? Sam buddy, you gotta get away from the door. You gotta let me in Sammy. I can help-”

**That name. It was him, it was Lucifer. I have to get out of here, I have to get away, I have to go, now, now, now, now, now ,now.**

I didn’t even register the scream ripping from my voice, and possibly bruising my vocal chords as I was thrown into more vivid memories.

  
  


_"Aw baby, don't do that, don't cry." Textured palms wiped away salty tears, " I can only get hard so many times in one night." The soft coo turning into something closer to a growl the more the male spoke._

_He shifted his body toward mine, toned arms coming up to wrap around my shaky torso as he shushed me with a smile, stroking my hair and telling my sweet sugar coated lies that only furthered my tears._

_The other groaned in delight, "Oh Sammy." A rough kiss here. "Sam." A nip there. "Angel you know what those tears do to me." Whispered harshly against redend skin as the sadist licked the tears falling from my eyes away, eating them up both metaphorically and physically._

_This_ **_isn't_ ** _what I wanted. This_ **_isn't_ ** _who I am. I_ **_don't_ ** _want to be here._

_Suddenly the licking stopped and instead was replaced with soft teasing kisses, interrupted by breathy chuckles._

_"Gabe." I sighed in relief, the words more like a sob as I turned into the soft lines of the others body and wept._

_"Oh, hey. Hey Sam, it's ok, really, I told you, you could stop by my house anytime and I meant it ok? You know that offer wasn't only for sex."_

_A pitiful excuse for a laugh fell out of my lips as warm hands rubbed circles onto my back._

_"You know I care about you don't you Samsquash? That- it- it's not only about sex for me right? That I care- I would do anything for you I-"_

_I cut off the others rambling with a chaste kiss, " Now look who's rambling."_

_A sudden and sharp snap caused my head to fly back and cheek to be inflamed by a stinging sensation._

_"How fucking_ **_dare_ ** _you talk back to me boy!"_

_A rough grab by the collar of my shirt and a firm shake made me break out into a cold sweat as I realised once again that this wasn't Gab and that I wasn't allowed to talk freely._

_The sound of air whooshing past my head was the only warning I got before my face met the cold floor below and a boot was shoved into my face, resting heavily on my check._

_"You just stay down there, underneath my boot like a good little paper weight and think about what you've_ **_fucking_ ** _done."_

_Suddenly the boot was gone and instead was replaced by grease tinged hands, the sound of a young boy shouting filled the small motel room as my own father held me down with one arm and lashed my back with the belt from the other._

_"No dad please! Please! Pl-a-ase- it wasn't Sammy dad it wasn't Sammy it was me dad- it was me- I -I- broke the remote. It was an accident and-"_

_"You shut the fuck up! And stop trying to save your brothers ass when you and I both now damn well that Sam was the one to break the fucking remote."_

_Another lash followed by more screaming._

_"Please- PLEASE DAD PLEASE leave Sammy outta this he's only nine!"_

_"I don't care, if I don't discipline you boys you'll never learn."_

The morphs of a fearful young boy cut off and slowly start morphing into a more mature voice as the scene around me started to melt and fade, like old film burning in a furnace, my world shifted as grungy motel wallpaper was replaced with simple white paint and the constant and persistent whip of a belt molded and bled into soft gentle pats.

"Sonofabitch! Sam! Sam! Hey! Sam it's ok, hey, hey, you're alright it's Bobby Sam. Uncle Bobby. You're ok and you're safe Johns not here, no one's here but me and you alright? Just me and you Sam. Safe. You're safe."

The visions finally started to clear away as everything that I saw was replaced by the grim face and concerned eyes of Bobby, who was crouched down in front of me on the floor, large shaky hands clutched at my own, sheltering me and rubbing soothing circles into my back. I sluggishly looked down at the palm of my hand, the one Bobby had gripped so tight that his knuckles were staining white.

**A glass shard? Why do I have glass in my hand? When did I move? How did Bobby get in if the door was locked?**

"That's it, you're ok Sam. It's just me, it's just Bobby. You're safe." The soft lull of Bobby's voice helped lead me slowly out of my haze of confusion and illusion and instead into present times. I blinked rapidly as my brain slowly started to catch up with my body. The feeling is similar to having woken up from a long restless sleep. I clicked my tongue, the taste sour and the muscle sore as if it was pinned down by lead.

The soft reassuring pressure on my back never ceased as I was slowly eased out of my panicked state. It only took a few more seconds though before my brain finally caught up with my body and sling-shooted,flung,catapulted, itself back into proper position.

"Bobby." A sudden realisation, a thank you, an apology spoken in a rush as tired limbs launched themselves at the older man's frame, tears falling rapidly from bloodshot eyes and mouth of lead babbling words that sounded like nothing and everything at once. 

The glass piercing fragile lined flesh was dropped and replaced again by the others hand, reassuring and familiar in the way it held onto the abused flesh. Like a father comforting a son, like a mentor consoling it's pupil, like a friend reassuring it's other.

"I know it's not his category or honestly his damn problem since he already has to deal with the other one, but I'm callin Cas. You can stay with them for a few days until I know you won't kill yourself." The words were soft, spoken so in order not to spook my already jumbled mind.

I sniff, head rubbing against the olders as I bask in the comfort he was providing, forever grateful for the patience the other man contains.

" I wasn't going to kill myself Bobby."

The words, though spoken like the truth, caused the room to feel ten degrees cooler as we both knew that it wasn't. Neither of us commented on the fact though, instead we only felt peaceful, quiet, not ignorant of the fact or at all ignoring what chaos just passed, but instead settling with the idea and falling into a silence of agreement. Yes I was lying, but hopefully soon I wouldn't be.

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Please let me know how you feel about the story line thus far.
> 
> How do you feel about Lucifer? About Gabriel?
> 
> What is your favorite part of this series so far?
> 
> Just tell me all the things and don't forget to leave a kudo! It lets me know you all enjoy my work! <3
> 
> The next section will be a four parter and than after that an epilogue, and than that's it for this universe I have created!
> 
> Remember expect it to be up by the end of July and if it is up sooner than consider it a treat. :)
> 
> Till next time!
> 
> I keep forgetting to add things to my notes AH.
> 
> I wanted to say that near the end were Sam is switching from scene to scene from Lucifer to Gab and all that, those are real memories. He was just thrown back into them because of the attack he was having.
> 
> All the memories in this chapter are important so keep that in mind! 😸


End file.
